At risk of sounding hugely teenage and hormonal, I’ve sort of been having serious mood swings.
It’s a strange side of the meditative practise that can sometimes drive me a bit loopy. On one hand there is the calm, serene, peaceful, ever-still, ever-present awareness which I now understand experientially I am. However, I’m still undergoing the process of “spring cleaning” so to speak.
To clarify, the process you go through with intense self-discovery brings about a deep cleansing of all your old, needless, harmful mental patterns. This is of course a wonderful aspect of meditation but you repeatedly face these mental blocks until you “overcome” them. I use inverted commas because, really, it is more of a seeing; seeing through them and seeing they are less of an obstacle than you previously believed.
Seriously, there have been many occasions where my mind has screamed “THIS IS A F*CKIN HUGE PROBLEM, MATE” but then through stillness and staying with the experience of awareness, the “problem” has just dropped away as if it were nothing.
So then, while I’m moving through these issues that have been stuck in my mental space, certain things happen. I sometimes get really caught up in these issues and become down, look back to the past, not accept myself etc. This allows my mind to run wild, be loud and distract me from my inner peace. At the same time, however, there is the underlying stillness…so whilst my mind runs amok, there is still sort of a knowing that it doesn’t affect my true nature. As you can see, this can be rather confusing.
Whilst I can’t see it at the time, this is all adding to my strength. I end up moving past the mental blockages I had and, on the other side, there is a great peace. And, at times, this peace is dominant and issues come flying at me but I remain still and let them come, unmoved from that place.
One thing that is important to remind yourself if you’re on the same path of self-discovery is that peace does not necessarily equal happiness or vice versa, although they can often arise together within you. Peace is an acceptance of what is. Happiness is always easier to accept, of course. This, in part, is a reminder to myself also, as so often a peaceful state with happiness entwined quickly becomes an unhappy and therefore non-peaceful state. Happiness is temporary but peace can remain untouched.