Diary Entry 19/01/17: “Confusion and Clarity”

I’ve not written in a long while. With this post I hope to sum up the reasons for that, in theme with the topic at hand. I’ve made several attempts at writing this post, even striking upon the idea that it would be my final post, or perhaps the last before a hiatus of sorts. I am going to make no such claims now but I will offer an insight into something incredibly personal.

These posts can often be challenging to write; meditation and spirituality can be very complex and out of the ordinary.  Although my diary entries have usually been the easiest to commit to as they involve personal experience, of late I’ve been wholly unsure of where I’m at and therefore I’ve not been able to document anything successfully. Also, my understanding is always being kicked up notches so in order to catch you guys up at least a little, I felt a longer, explanatory post was necessary.

So what do I mean “wholly unsure of where I’m at”? I shall explain:

Most of us at times, I think, feel lost. There are too many questions and not enough answers. This is where my interest in meditation came from initially. I was going through an ‘existential crisis’ of sorts. I’ve always been one to question my reality and known there is more to it than meets the eye and this was part of the reason, as well as things coming to an end and not really knowing where it was all going. I wasn’t very happy with myself or my situation. I think we can all relate. There were certainly plenty of questions but it felt like there were no answers forthcoming.

Now I’m not going to claim meditation will solve all of your problems. That would be too easy. But from my first experience with it, I noticed positive changes in all areas of my life. However, despite the initial excitement, eventually it started to throw up more questions than it answered. In trying to understand where this was all taking me, I turned to spiritual gurus, books and teachings and quickly found the right questions to ask. It brought with it an introspection on the deepest level that, for the most part has taken up much of my focus. Basically: “Who (or what) the f**k am I?”

Each spiritual text or teacher invites you to turn your attention inward, to yourself, so that, initially, you discover the factors behind your behaviour, your thought patterns and your sense of self. By holding up a mirror to your story, you force it to become exposed and the roots of its existence are upended. We all feel so solid and invested in our ideas of ourselves, of other people, of things, and of the world that we need shaking to the core. This is the purpose of meditation: to shine a light on the cause of our dissatisfaction and uneasiness. It is not simply sitting quietly, it is more a discovery.

This process can be super intense at times and at others, feel like the easiest thing in the world. It is a rollercoaster of emotions, constantly making you face up to fears and anxieties and your sense of self–all the things that you feel make up the essence of “you”. This has honestly made me feel absolutely mental more often than not, especially when I don’t know anyone personally going through a similar experience. Due to the inward focus and the intensity, other areas of my life have sometimes taken a backseat, even people too. The shaking up of the idea of myself has regularly left me chasing my own tail so to speak. And therefore what chance do I have in communicating it to others?

The initial discoveries one makes in the practice of meditation are notions that I have spoken of in previous posts, including the truth that you are not your thoughts and feelings but the one that seesexperiences and witnesses them. That can be incredibly liberating. You see that what you thought was “you” is actually just an idea or a bunch of thoughts and memories clumped together to make a “you”. This in turn, over time, brings about an ever-deepening introspection as I’ve said. But as my personal findings have progressed, so too has confusion, frustration and general not-knowing-what-the-f**k-is-going-on.

A lot of patience is needed for the path I’m on. But the confusion and frustration and not knowing does make way for clarity and peace and knowledge beyond the realms of the mind. It is so rewarding 🙂 . Lately I have felt the latter, thankfully. The search can be all-encompassing as I’ve said but three words came to me recently that have, of sorts, abated it: “Nothing to solve.” I can’t say where I’m at right now because, clearly, I know nothing. But hopefully my personal experience can go some way to guiding anyone who is as confused as me. I’ll leave you with this brilliant Instagram post I found today which made me smile:




Add yours →

  1. Hi Lewis

    I’ve read a few of your posts and don’t want to intrude but felt compelled to comment, or at least join the conversation.

    Could it be that the confusion coming as a result of greater inward introspection is because identity doesn’t come from yourself?

    I believe that our identity comes from God, who is bigger than we can understand. Having faith brings me to a similar position to you in that I don’t understand all the whys or hows – but I get immense peace and calmness knowing that they are under control.

    For me, the missing piece after introspection and becoming more self aware is a need to be loved – beyond love which humans are capable of giving. I think that’s what you’re searching for. I think knowing that we are loved like that is the only source of satisfaction. I believe we are.

    Let me know what you think.


    • Oh please don’t feel like you’re intruding! I actively encourage a discussion 🙂 so thanks!

      This is something I’m perhaps building up to with my blog–it is not commonplace to espouse this philosophy. I totally agree, though. We are not “me” or the ego, or the separate self. We are “God”, or consciousness, or peace, awareness, presence, one universal knowing, or whatever you want to call it.

      It’s beyond our comprehension. But on this path to self discovery, the old you dissolves and the truth is brought to the light. The love we talk about in society is often conditional, temporary or superficial but the love we talk about with grace and God is everything. I always say that it’s too complex to put into words.

      But yes, this is where the confusion comes from because it is unfathomable and against the ideas I previously held about life and my self.

      Thanks for the comment! 🙂


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